You know what the point of columns are? To support shit.
However, 99% of the time, McMansion builders didn’t care about that. To them, columns were there to show how rich you were. They put columns (also called pillars) on goddamn everything, even if it didn’t match the style of the house, or made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Before I get started on this informative roast guide to why McMansion columns are so goddamn awful, here’s a pic that explains the parts of a column so i don’t have to type it out:
Now, no one is saying that everyone has to follow the Classical Architectural Orders or anything like that. That shit is a billion years old. However, there are certain design guidelines for the sizing and spacing of columns that are not set in stone (pun intended) but they do work as generally good rules of thumb.
Column Placement & Sizing Rules of Thumb:
1.) Column Height: The height of a single story column should beat least 10 times the diameter of said column, e.g. if you have a 6-inch wide column, that column should be at least 60 inches tall. The height of a two-story column should be at least 8 times the diameter of said column. A two story column should always be wider than a single story column or else it looks pitiful.
2.) Column Spacing: It’s generally good practice to use an even number of columns to create an odd number of spaces, but this rule is, of course, flexible.
3.) Beam / Entablature Depth: Not all columns need to end in a full entablature, like in the photo above. Columns also end in a terminating beam, which has much fewer architectural details. The depth of an entablature refers to how tall it is. Apparently saying “entablature height” is too confusing.
The beam or entablature depth should be at least 2 times the diameter of the column supporting it. This means that having giant ass columns supporting a beam/entablature that is flush against the wall of the house makes it look stunted.
4.) Beam / Entablature Thickness: The beam thickness should be equal to the diameter of the columns supporting it.
McMansions suck shit at columns. A McMansion’s columns usually have at least one or more of the following flaws:
Column Catastrophes: How McMansions Abuse A Beloved Architectural Feature
1.) Columns are too damn tall, and the pediment is too damn big.
2.) Columns are too pathetic to support the mass and visual weight of the roof or pediment.
3.) Column spacing makes no sense or is over-complicated.
4.) Columns are the wrong architectural style relative to the rest of the design. Even if the column shaft is the right style, the base or the capital can still be architecturally incorrect.
Without further ado, let the roast begin.
Column Catastrophe No. 1: The Columns Are Too Damn Tall, & The Pediment is Too Damn Big.
This column catastrophe can also be described as having “a pediment with a house attached” rather than the proper “house with a pediment attached.” Often, the columns, entablature and pediment are out of scale with the primary mass of the home, forming a secondary mass that completely dominates the facade. The below house would be a lovely and well-designed house if it weren’t for the, well…
Note how the builder establishes architectural rhythm through the visual continuation between the roofline and the cornice of the pediment.
Column Catastrophe No. 2: Columns too puny to support the weight of whatever it is they’re holding up.
This is by far the most common McMansion column faux pas, and often the most hilarious. Pediments and roofs carry a certain amount of not only physical, but visual weight. Columns that are too short or too small to properly support this weight make the house seem stunted and poorly planned.
Some prime examples:
Column Catastrophe No. 3: Numbers of Columns, and their Grouping/Spacing Makes No Goddamn Sense
Even-numbered columns work best because our eyes can easily group them together in even numbered group. That odd-ball column really messes things up for us. Huge or small gaps between columns can throw off the architectural rhythm of the facade. In some designs, there are too many columns or not enough.
Finally, we reach our last stop on the lame train:
Column Catastrophe No. 4: The Columns Don’t Match the Architecture of the Rest of the House
Certain styles of architecture (such as the Craftsman style) require aesthetic consistency in order to look authentic. Putting Doric or Corinthian columns on a Craftsman-styled house looks really dumb and out of place. Got a Federal or Colonial revival-styled house? Don’t put craftsman-styled columns on it. You would think this would be simple to understand, but apparently it totally isn’t.
There we have it, folks! Stay tune for the next McMansions 101: Mansion vs McMansion - Part 1, where we discuss what distinguishes a proper mansion from its whore cousin the McMansion.
All real estate photos are screenshots of real-estate aggregate Zillow.com. The use of this content is for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Sometimes people ask, why is xyz house bad? Asking this question does not imply that the asker has bad taste or no taste whatsoever - it means that they are simply not educated in basic architectural concepts. In this post, I will introduce basic architectural concepts and explain why not all suburban/exurban/residential houses are McMansions, as well as what makes a McMansion especially hideous.
Disclaimer: These same principles do not always apply to Modernist or even canonically Postmodern architecture. These principles are for the classical or traditional architecture most residential homes are modeled after.
Design Principle #1: Masses & Voids
The mass is the largest portion of a building. Individual masses become interesting when they are combined together to form a façade. The arrangement of these shapes to create weight is called massing. As the pieces are combined, they are divided into categories: primary and secondary masses (1).
The primary mass is the largest shape in the building block. The secondary masses are the additional shapes that form the façade of a building.
Windows, doors, or other openings are called voids. Voids allow creation of negative space that allow for breaks within masses. Placing voids that allow for natural breaks in the mass create balance and rhythm across the building’s elevation.
The secondary masses should never compete with the primary mass. For example: an oversized projected entry or portico (secondary mass) will overwhelm the house (primary mass) behind it. The McMansion has no concept of mass. McMansions often have so many secondary masses that the primary mass is reduced to a role of filling in gaps between the secondary masses. An example:
Another issue with McMansions and mass is the use of too many voids. Some McMansions are so guilty of this they resemble swiss cheese in appearance. In the below example, the masses are so pockmarked with voids, they give the façade an overall appearance of emptiness.
